Posted in pain

The voice…!

She broke all the mirrors in the house. She was afraid the mirrors might hate her too. She ceased to live and started to exist. She was clueless about the way forward. She pretended to smile. She pretended to think. She pretended to talk. She pretended to live. Little did she realize, life was moving on in reality and wasn’t pretending at all.

She then heard a voice. A shrill one coming through from the corner of the room… She turned around and there was nobody. She walked away in fear, but the voice kept following her all through the way to the living room. She was petrified. She ran away from it. It seemed to get louder, sharper and clearer. Finally it came to a point when it said “STOP”. She turned around, with her eyes soaked in fear and her legs dragging by the inch. There was “the voice”, standing tall and dressed in a black Armani. “Who the hell are you…!?!” She asked and the voice replied, “Well, I’m a part of you that you are trying to hide. The part of you that you are trying to run away from…”

“Well, what are you doing here…I have told you clearly not to come uncalled” she said wiping away the tear in the corner of her left eye. “I cannot do that. I’m a part of you and without me you are incomplete” said the voice trying to pacify her. “Why have you come now, to make me feel worse than I am now? I have shut you out for all these years for a purpose and now you show up without notice…” she said with grimness in her voice, still trying to wipe the tears. “Well, you cannot run anymore. It is time you look at me in the eye and talk to me and get over it” said the voice with a grin.

“What do you want me to say? Don’t you see, I can never be what you are, never ever. This is me and this will be me always, I haven’t spoken about this to anyone” she said breaking down. “That is precisely the point sweet heart. You have been so lonely and it is not right. Talk it out” said the voice looking at her with love and distress.

She was still weeping. But took some courage and wiped her tears and recollected her story. “I was 20, too young, isn’t it? Add Naïve, Timid and stupid to that. I had no clue he was doing this to me. I did not know I was being used. I still remember wearing those bright colored dupattas that match with my hair bands. I was naïve, so naïve. Little did I know, he was using me against me… All I did was love him. All I ever did was love him. I gave him all that I had. How was I to know he is not the one? How was I to know he is a demon? Love blinded me. Look at me now” She pointed to the scars in her left hand and her thigh.

She had tears as she started to talk. “This scar is a result of love, compassion, trust and faith on him. How can love make one do such things? How can he love me and still abuse me for so many years. Every time he hit me, I cried terribly. I broke down. He reduced me by half, not in size but by heart. He tied me to a bed and hit me for days. Till I fell on his feet and begged his mercy on me. That look in his eyes told me how much he loved seeing me suffer. Every time he hit me, I wiped away my tears and got dressed and came home. I had to be normal to my parents and folks. They cannot see me like this. This happened for years.”

The tears dried and the voice tone went up as she knew it was the past. “I know, it is over… but how do I undo this? It is a part of me. Every time I looked into the mirror, all I could see is my past and it haunts me” “it is ok” said the voice interrupting her. “It is ok if it is your past. You cannot undo it. All you can do is move from it. You are still living in the past. You are not looking at your present which is preventing you to look at your future. Did you get a chance to see the beautiful rose that bloomed in the garden outside? Forget that, did you know your hair is grown five inches longer. You look more beautiful than ever before. The mask you are wearing to see yourself is that of the past. Remove it and only then you can see what you really are today.”

“I don’t know how I can do that. I’m afraid I might not like myself. I cannot face it. Look at these scars. Look at my legs. Do you see that cut in my right thigh? It is a result of him hitting me with a piece of furniture. How cruel can someone be? See this…” she said pointing to her neck. There was a scar and a bulge in the bone. “I remember this very well. This was the last time it happened. It was a shoe. He hit me hard with his shoe that I bought for him. I wept and fell on his feet and begged to let me go but no he wasn’t willing to do that. He loved the power he had over me. He enjoyed the fear in my eyes. That was the leverage he had. I did not know how to let go of that” she said as her voice tone increased and she stood up from the floor and looked into me.”

“I’m sorry” said the voice with tears rolling down. “It is important that you forgive yourself first. You are not to be blamed. Stop blaming yourself. Be happy you are relieved from it. Be proud you took a brave decision to put an end to it by standing up for yourself. The minute you lose the fear, you faced him and taught him a lesson. You held your head high and walked away. I’m proud of you. You should be too”

She listened to the voice and took in some confidence. She said with a smile “I know, I have no idea from where I got the courage. I guess it was within me but I had tranquilized it with fear. Though I have come away from the incident, I’m unable to face myself and accept myself with the past I have been through…” the voice came closer and put an arm around her “dear, you are a beautiful person. The minute you forgive yourself, you will be able to forgive others in your life. You are still giving him control without knowing….” And she interrupted quickly, “still giving him control, how?? He is not in my life anymore. I have moved on…” the voice smiled and replied “Well, he is not there physically but he is still controlling you from moving on. You see, he is still lingering in your thoughts and that is stopping you from moving ahead.” She listened with all her heart and was surprised at the perception the voice gave her. “That is right, you are right. I’m still giving him the control and I will not let that happen. No way….” She said and walked into the room and climbed to the attic. The dust spread across the room and she waved her hands in the air to make way to the box. She opened it and there was a red cloth wrapped unto something. She took it carefully and unwrapped it, it was a mirror.

She closed her eyes, tears rolled down her cheeks. Her hands were wet but she held on tightly to the mirror. The voice was beaming with smile knowing she is doing the right thing and had tears. “This is it; I’m going to do it. I’m going to see myself. I have nothing to hide. I’m proud of myself and what I did and I need to face myself” she said to herself. She turned the mirror around and opened her eyes and looked at herself naked after years. She has changed. She looked more beautiful. She looked confident. She has put on weight, at the right places. She ran her fingers through her hair. She touched the scars, there was no pain. There was no history. She did not feel the past. She did not feel the anger or the sorrow. She cured herself from her misery.

The voice watched all this and smiled with pride and said “So, now that you have let go of yourself in the past, are you ready to see what you want to be in the future?” She turned around and said “YES, I can’t wait to see what I want to become in the future, I want to plan and dream and have hopes for the future, I’m ready”. “That’s great” said the voice. Coming toward her, she the blurry black image became clearer and there was a shape to the image. “Look at me” the voice said. “I’m your future. I’m what you wanted to become in the future. I’m what you dreamt to become. You kept shutting me away because you were feeding your past and hence I was becoming weak and almost dying. Now that you have let go of your past, you are able to see me clearly, I was always clear, just that you were blinded toward me.”

She was beaming with smile. She was able to see herself clearly. She was in total control of herself and embraced her future and welcomed her within. The voice merged with her and there was a transformation that went through in that room. She realized that the voice is nothing but a projection of her in the future that she was hiding and running away from. She understood that once she let go of her past and forgave herself, she was able to look at the road ahead. She saw her future more clearly. She took the mirror from the floor and hung it on the wall and switched on the light. “Hello, it’s wonderful to meet you. You are the best woman I know” she said looking through the mirror.

Note – This is a true story. “She” was a physical abyss survivor. This is her story. The lesson learnt from this is unless we let go of the past that is stopping us from moving into the future, we would be stagnated where we are. It is important to forgive ourselves and accept the past and move on from it. We cannot undo it, but can prevent from redoing it in the future. It is in our hands completely to do that. Our image of the future is what we shape and create; it is a mere projection of our thoughts. Our future is what we create ourselves.

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Posted in love, pain

Minus you…

I looked up and the clouds passed by;
Holding hands, nature can be such a tease;
I looked beside and the birds chirp happily;
The times I wished I had wings to fly back;

The length of the nails shortened;
The breadth of the days widened;
I shamelessly opened the door;
Wishing it takes me to yesterday;

Love is in the air, they say;
I breathe harder, but no trace of you;
Love is blind, we all know;
I close my eyes only for you to open them;

They say death is worse;
Without you here, I live like a corpse;
I shed a tear wishing you were near;
This could be fatal, that’s all I fear;

You are the serendipity of my life;
This loneliness kills like a knife;
You are my something old, borrowed and blue;
How this happened, well, I have no clue;

Till death we part, this feels beyond;
You are the happyness that I pursue;
Sleep is the answer, you remain the question;
Love is an art, for those with a heart;

My heart erupts like a volcano;
My eyes raise the like ocean;
My legs run like the winds;
Oh Mother Nature, you are within me;

Where are you, my love?
Hurry up, for the stallion is ready;
I hope I’m doing ok there,
For you are dying here;

Posted in pain

Stairway to heaven…

Dear Uma Maheshwari,

How are you doing? I hope you are aware of what is happening here after you left us for a long vacation. Your disappearance has got the city to a halt, just for a couple of days though. You see, we are all busy running in our lives that we do not have time to understand why it happened instead we are all discussing how it happened. You are a star now. Well, you always wanted to be one when you were in the city, but you see we as a country always celebrate any person’s achievements much later and you being after all a woman dare not ask for more.

I’m angry with you, Uma. Because you chose to study and then you chose to work. You wanted to work in a metro. You wanted to work for an IT company. You loved accounts and took up a job in one of the Big-Heads of India. You worked in shifts right? That means you do not come home at 5 pm to watch the tele serial. All of this at an age of 24? How dare you do this? Were you not taught to drop of college and get married and become a wife and then a mother and eventually cook at home for your husband and in-laws? Instead, you had the courage to study and work and be independent to support your family. This is a crime by itself. No wonder you are not with us now.

Did you know you are famous now? Your photo appears in most of the news dailies of the country and not to mention the TV news channels. Remember the days you used to tell your friends you wanted to be famous one day, well your wish came true Uma. I hope you are watching all the attention you seem to be attracting in the past one week. 🙂

A section of the public says that being a lady, you should not be working at odd hours. It’s your fault this happened to you sweet heart. Did you not know the country you were a part of? A section of the media says that the company you worked for failed in providing transportation on the day you stayed up late to finish that accounting problem for a client. How dare you do this? You compromise your time and dinner and family to help some client finish off their accounting problems? How cruel hearted you can be.

You are lucky. Ask me how. You were wearing Indian attire that day and your name is Indian sounding too. Thank god…! If you were named “reeta” or “shakila” and worn western clothes, you would not be sympathized and spoken well about now. Because in India, we give importance to the name, caste and more importantly the dress you wore. What happened to you is not primary concerns at all so do not dare to question anybody here.

You are 24 years old right? So, you had your set of dreams for a future? You dreamt of making it big in the field you worked and buy a car / house for yourself? You wanted to fall in love? How dare you have such dreams? You should be getting married and be told to take care of your husband’s needs and if time permits take care of yourself too. Too bad, you were ambitious, not a trait you should possess here.

Do not ask me if this can happen to me, coz I would say yes. In that case, someone else would be writing this letter to me and instead of your name, you will find mine. This will go on and on. Do not ask me if it will stop. I don’t know. You are a naïve, conservative and an innocent girl, you still went through this. So I don’t think there is any rule or preset objectives for this. You could have been at a pub and wearing a mini skirt and still go through the same.

So anyways, we are all happy here moving with our lives. I’m at work as I type this. The day has been busy as I have my project deadlines to meet. The city traffic is as bad what it used to be when you took the bus and auto. No movie is good enough in the theatre. I had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and noodles had curry leaves in it. 🙂 oh did I tell you, another mall is getting constructed. The life style sale was good though and I picked up some nice stuff. Not too sure if there are any dress restrictions at the place you are currently residing. 🙂

Alright, enough about me, how are you doing? I hope Nirbhaya is giving you good company. I’m sure she is angry with us. We will try and close her case as soon as we think it is “appropriate”. I’m happy you are in a safer place now. Have fun. 🙂

Note: Uma Maheshwari is the victim of gang rape and murder that happened few days back in a city in South India. She worked with a leading IT company in the accounts section. She was 24 years old. Her father is a drawing teacher with a school.