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Pregnant with your love…

You’ve gained weight off late. Blame it on me for the holiday season. I kept feeding you warm blueberry muffin and dark chocolate shake from the old madras baking company. Look at you. All fluffy in love. 

I’m going to be honest here honey. You’re becoming a baggage. Heavier than last night. You’re growing inch by inch. Flesh by flesh. I feel it. ‘oh you’ve got the glow’ people said looking at me. How did they know that I’m infact  ‘pregnant with your love?’.

I should have aborted you the day I let you inside me. I shouldn’t have come this far. I shouldn’t have let you grow inside.

But… kaadhal yaarai vittadhu nanba? 

I should have cut you off the minute I laid my eyes on u. I knew this moment will come. This moment here. Now. Making me all pregnant with your love. 

‘Un kannil kanden, en magalin thagappanai.’

You suffocate me from inside baby. And I do that in return during those times I bleed from below. These little games that we play. Oh you poor little desperate thing. 

‘Oru moochil eruvarum uyir vaazhgirom. Unadha illai enadha endru teriyavillai.’

You remember that morning when we shared a laugh by the balcony? Or or.. those long nights when my hormones were in their peak and ..and then you fingered me from inside to help me get those stubborn orgasms out. Oh! What a joy it was to cum into you. 

‘Un viralgal en narambugalai vaasithane! Illayaraja en rathathil ooriyadhai Unarnden mudhal muraiyaaga…’

I want to let you go. I really do. But baby, once I do that, the world will make you hers. You will become one among them. Them as in the humans… and once you be that, you’ll let go of me. That’s the curse the race is born with. To let go. You will let go of this darkness that we share within. To let go the occasional sunsets and twilights playing graffiti on my bones. 

Satru nimirndhu paarthu sooriyanai iravil kaikul pidithu rusikiraai nee.’

‘I like that girl’ you said during one of the poetry events I went to. Damn! How did you see through me?! I knew I shouldn’t have worn my saree below the navel. 

‘Iduppin idukkul veliye oru pennai paarka terinda unaku, satru nimirndhu en idhayathin idukkil ennai paarka teriya villaiye’. 

Fine. I shall let you go. It’s time. I know its getting a bit too much now. You and I. This hide and seek game that we are playing. Should stop. Iam pushing hard. The sleepless nights and the nausea symptoms when I see another man. Men who are better than u. In all ways. Yet I throw up. Don’t know if it’s because of you or me. Those mid day binge eating. More chocolates. More wine. More OCB paper. More orgasms. Yet I crave for your finger. I craved for more of everything. 

‘mudhal muraiyaaga garbathai manathil sumandha pennaga ennai aakiyadharku, kodi nandrigal nanbane.’

Its time. There. Go. You’re out. Go fly now. The world is yours. 

‘Parandhu chel nanbane. Kaadhalane. Vaanam engum un vannathai thoovi chel’

May you fall in love over and over again. 

May you lose love over and over again. 

May you find love over and over again. 

No matter how many times you find your The one. You’ll always remain heartless. For baby, I’m still ‘Pregnant with your love’.

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