I don’t know when this happened but I suddenly noticed that I have moved a mile and I see a piece of me missing, not sure if it’s yours or mine baby. I don’t know how it happened and why, but when I look back, the dots connect very indefinably. It’s all too blurry but then I understand that’s how it is supposed to be or that’s my perception of how it panned out. I don’t know when you got off on the way and how I didn’t even realise you were actually missing half way but then I still held on to your hand in my mind. Hand in mind, we walked. Your physical absence wasn’t felt until I knew my mental presence wasn’t with me.
Didn’t we like each other or was that my illusion of us? Where did it all go wrong? Did you notice when it ended? Did you try to analyse all of it honey? Oh well, why would you? I was always there with you and for you and in turn you being there with me was mistaken that you are there for me as well. There is a difference no baby? 🙂 Being there for me and with me! We all have so many people with us but very few among them stick around for us.
You were my distant best friend and yet my most loved lover. I saw so much of me in you but only now did I realise that I was looking at my version of you and not you as such. Remember that dinner we all went together? When I secretly wished a spot to sit next to you. Also, that super hero movie that we all went to for which I tried ten different outfits to make sure I look my best. Why? Because I wanted to like myself thinking you will like me too. Silly, right? Well, who said love isn’t? Silly silly silly.
You know what? In all those get-togethers, group dinners, outings etc, I always longed to be around you. The crowd didn’t seem to matter for me to make love to your eye. When you looked back at me, I thought it meant the same, but the stupid me forgot for a moment that eyes are primarily used to see people. While you saw me, I saw your soul. Well, it’s ok! I understand it does not work at the same time, sometimes.
I locked myself indoors for days; I was ashamed to see anyone. People kept consoling me like I lost a dear one forever. I didn’t know if the feeling was similar at your end, but the fact was that I was devastated honey. I wanted to hold hand-in-hand with your forever. Watch the sunrise and sunset with you beside me. I wanted to be the last face you see before you go to bed and the first…. Oh damn, you know the drill, don’t you? There are way too many social media content churning the same crap. Let me not bore you enough already!
I wanted all of the above, there is no denial. But how long could I lock myself up within four walls? What was my objective? What was I thinking? No offence meant, but look at you all suited up for your next date and here I am blowing my nose thinking of the so called never existed ‘US’. I need a slap from myself. Ouch…!
I still love you with all that passion and sincerity that I did when you were mentally present in my head. I really do. Just because I realised there is no scope of you to love me back doesn’t make mine a worthless one. I walked beside you and now I walk alone. I carried you with me all along and baby, I must admit, you were a baggage at times! There were times when I wanted to leave you behind. There were times when I wanted to hand you over to someone else. There were times when I wanted to push you from the bridge. There were times when I wanted to burn you alive and warm myself on a cold winter morning as I sip my hot coffee but then sweetheart, there were times, many at that, when I wanted to carry you within me, in a place that was known only to me. A place right at the core of my soul, the core that orchestrates the music for my heartbeat…!
You refused to stay there, it suffocated you. You dint like it. You dint belong there. You wanted to be set free, but I held on to you not knowing you were suffering. I dint know you wanted to walk beside me and not run within. Was I cruel to you? Im sorry! Love blinded my soul as well. Im not sorry I loved you. It’s ok if you didn’t want to be a part of my journey. It’s ok if you wanted to get down in the middle. Maybe someone else’s journey was affordable for the soul you had. Maybe mine was a bit too expensive for you to travel in. That’s ok! I understand! I have learnt to live life without you in my mind.
I had my share of downs post my self-realisation of the non-existent you in my life. Actually when you think of it, it’s quite funny you know! Im breaking up with someone who had no relationship with me in the first place!
Im glad love grew in my heart. It’s not my business to make it grow in yours. Im content it grew in mine. It’s ok if you found someone else to fill the gap between your fingers. Im only happy for you! Just because I realised ours was never a relationship doesn’t mean it can never be anything else at all in the future. I would still see you, talk to you, meet you and go out with you. But, you will remain just like how everybody else around me is.
You would be a part of my journey just like everybody else is, but not my window seat that I save. You’ll be my 3 am friend but not my 10 pm dream catcher. You’ll be a part of thoughts but not the one who paints my soul in charcoal. You’ll be my sunrise and sunset but not my twilight. You’ll be the stars through the night but not my sky. You’ll be all things nice but not all things magical. You’ll be my most precious well polished diamond but not the pearl of my ocean. You’ll be yours and I’ll be mine.
Thanks for helping me grow love within me. Thanks for helping me realise im human enough too. Thank you for being a part of the journey in my soul. Its time you leave, for the vacuum you created is the heaviest I have ever felt, so heavy that it makes me fly. It’s time to say goodbye for we begin sometime better. Something less painful. Something less love.
Thank you baby, for you will always be the reason I will find love again..!