I asked five people belonging to different age groups their take on divorce and this is what they had to say!
A 26 year guy told me “Divorce..mmm… yeah… well… don’t know man… I mean… its cool you know.. I don’t know.. I can’t answer such stupid questions…”
A 30 year old lady told me this.. “Divorce? Hmmm Divorce means freedom”
A 50 year old lady said “Divorce is pain… it is hard to accept life after this..”
A 70 year old man said “It’s bad.. Against our culture… the girl should know to adjust…having a kid will solve all the problems”
A 14 year old boy said this “I don’t know. What that means? something like love?”
Well, divorce meant a lot of things to me… especially because I went through it few years ago… Was it easy? No, of course not..! Did I also mention that none of the above went through divorce? 🙂 You know living in a country such as India, terms like sex, masturbation and even condom is taboo… how can divorce not join the rest of the gang no?
So when I took this decision during my first marriage, needless to say my parents were in for a shock. They could not come to terms with it. Especially something like this happening to their daughter. I come from a rather narrow minded community and the word divorce isn’t accepted too well. Let me narrate an example. During my single days, I found weddings to be a great way to get free food and also observe a lot of people around plus know the gossips that are doing the rounds. I still remember like yesterday, this was in 2009 – my aunt and another family friend were talking about a girl who was going through divorce and believe me, when I say that none of what they spoke gave me a good impression about that girl. I was so taken aback by their talks that at some point I believed that she made a mistake by filing for a divorce. When she came for one of the functions, my entire community treated her like she has battled a life threatening decease or even worse, lost a loved one. People were giving her condolence speeches and I did not know what could be going inside her head listening to so many people judging her decisions.
When I made up my mind about this, I sort of knew what I was getting into. Let me tell you the good thing, my parents were brilliantly supportive about this because they knew what I had gone through and they knew I gave it a genuine try before I decided to call it quits. I did not tell anybody else, not because I was going through a tough time and did not want to feel ashamed but because I wanted to avoid the drama. I, for one can be too honest most of the times and for their own benefit, decided to not tell anyone..
When someone you know is going through a divorce, please do not assume there could be an extra marital sex or a cheating partner behind it. It takes one reason for a marriage to work but one hundred for it not to work. Each couple goes through a different reason. Some cliché and some not so cliché. Do not judge them by that. A divorce doesn’t makes them any different from the other millions of married couples around.
Just because someone wants to move out of their wed-lock and start afresh does not make them a bad person. Maybe they found someone else who they love and they want to let go of the misery they are causing to themselves and the partner and moved ahead. Maybe they found out marriage is not something they like to be a part of. Maybe they are sexually not happy. Maybe she snores.. Maybe his dick is small.. it could be silly or big.. Who are you to judge that? It is their story, not yours. You were not a part of their tough days and you have no right to comment on their decision or should I say assume their reasons for divorce.
It is not easy going through a break-up, especially when there are families and law involved and in some cases, a kid too. It is so hard to put up a smile at your work place and still go through this every day. I still remember the day when I filed for mine, I took half a day permission from work as I had a meeting post lunch and my director from China was visiting us during that time, when I told him a personal exigency, he did not have this in mind…! I’m not making it look casual, but then, that’s how most of us are forced to deal with this. We do not have the luxury to sit and cry in a corner and mourn for a week. We still have our bills to pay and life has to move on.
This blog is not about telling those who are dealing with it how to deal with it, you are your best judge. You know what works best for you so i’m not going to preach unto how to cope up with it, but I’m going to tell you only one thing, do not feel guilty and do not regret. Move on…!
Once the person goes through the divorce and comes out alive from all the mental hassles, the next phase starts! “How are you going to live your life” is the question people will ask themselves about you and some to you… If someone asks this the next time, just turn back answer “Which of my bills are you paying this month?” and they will shut up. Because those who will be willing to pay your bills won’t ask such stupid questions.
When I came out of my first marriage and led a single life, I remember being my happiest during those times. The words freedom came alive to me. I only had time for myself and nobody else and I felt absolutely awesome about it. It is ok to feel this, you do not become selfish by thinking about yourself, you only become true to yourself by doing so, so do not feel ashamed, go ahead and fall in love with yourself.
Post this is the phase where people around you confuse you of who you are.. What status you are at in life. They track your movements more closely, its like someone is always spying on you. Don’t worry, it is normal in India.! When I was going through divorce, I had quite a few people calling and messaging me telling me how ‘everything is going to be okay” and I used to read them and laugh as I was sitting at TGIF and tell myself “what you mean ok, everything is brilliant mate”. I remember posting a status on fb a month later saying “stop sending me condolences message, I’m not dead yet” 😉
So during this period, what was my relationship status?? Divorcee? NO WAY!! I called myself single and that’s exactly what you should do! I was legally tied to someone and then I parted ways, that’s all! Just because of this, does not mean I need to burden myself with the tag of a divorcee all my life. I was single and I was proud about it!! Why burden yourself with tags that you are not a part of anymore?
Let me end by saying this, it is ok if you are going through a divorce, it does not make you any less. You would only have to blame yourself if you were a part of a marriage that is going no where. Be proud you chose life. Be proud you chose happiness.
Be proud you chose YOU!!
So, go on. Fall in love. With yourself and with someone else. Love is everywhere. Keep your heart and mind open 🙂