Ok, so when the teaser on the blog came out… I saw most of the replies and messages asking whether it is about “love” or “Marriage” and im not too sure if I should feel happy that people found it out right or should I be sad that most of the people today think either of these two words to be the most “misunderstood” and “commercialized” today…!
Having said this, Yes… The blog is about… “Marriage…” When I fixed my mind to write on this topic, I asked myself if im experienced enough to write about it but then it is not the years in marriage that matters but the experiences you experience in the years that matter and that is how I convinced myself to write about it.
Well for starters, I do not agree the way marriage is even defined nowadays. How can you possibly say yes to live with someone just because they work in an MNC? How can you agree to have a life partner on the basis of him owning a house in a metro? How could you agree to tie the knot with someone just because he is ur community?!? How small minded can one be…!!
People are so focused on the wedding that they forget the marriage that comes after the wedding..! I did a wiki and I presume wiki is written by humans and this is what it throws up… “The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged”. How simple is this? People make this the most complicated today..!
The first thing one needs to understand and ask themselves is why they need to marry… When I hear answers like… “Im crossing 30’s” – Beep… “All my friends are getting married” – Beep… “My parents are getting old and hence…” – Beep… “Girl ratio is less, so let me pick one before there is none” – Beep… “He is green card holder, earns 400K USD” – Beep… “Because im in love and I want to marry the person” – Tick. “Because I want to share my life with this person that I like” – Tick…
The problem with us today is we do not know why we are getting married and why go through the entire process not knowing how life is going to be post the wedding. We are so busy buying the dresses, the jewelry, arranging the candid photographer, booking tickets for the 1000+ guests who witness the historic event and eat their belly full and pass all the comments and later go to mars when there is a problem in the marriage…! Remember, weddings are made in the halls but marriages are made within the walls…!
We select a partner looking at money, the house, the looks, the community and oh yes did I forget to mention that thing called “horoscope”? , believe me, if this thing ever was right I would be writing a whole different blog altogether on marriage… I know many of you still believe in it and no im not against your views and I respect it completely. It is just that I cannot bring myself to believe that two people are meant for each other just by looking at their planets or whatever you call them to be. Even if one marriage breaks after the horoscopes are being perfectly matched given 10/10 marks by the astrology teacher, I have made my point here.
People marry for various reasons… Financial, social security, spiritual, sexual, emotional, religious and so on… It is ok to be categorized in any of the above but you need to have your reasons clear before you marry instead of finding it out after. Today, Love and arranged are all the same… I believed love marriages last longer than the arranged ones but I think it is just a myth now… Why? Because today love is becoming as commercialized as marriage is and that is the fact of life…!
Immaterial of how you got married, all that should matter is how you take it forward.. One day at a time .. One step at a time!! Marriage is a continuous process… It has no SOP’s or TAT’s attached to it… It is simpler than trigonometry. There is no right or wrong in a marriage, you just learn how to make it better each passing day and before you know it, years would have passed by. The only underlying emotion for any marriage to work is “love”… it is that simple! When there is love…trust, understanding and compromise comes for free..!
Do not model your marriage based on your neighbor’s or your relative. Do not buy that house right now because your cousin has bought one. Don’t plan that abroad trip only because your colleague went and you want to boast that you went there as well. Every marriage is unique; you cannot apply Ctrl C + Ctrl V for this. It is more important to be married above the head than below the waist. Let the minds marry, and the rest will follow!
Having said all this, one need not stay married if that causes excessive unhappiness to themselves and the partner. The society will always say something… If you’re single, the society will become a marriage broker… If you’re married, the society becomes the gynecologist, when you have kids, the society becomes the bank to offer loans, when you want to separate, the society becomes the counselor. But when you have your problems to deal with and your bills to pay, the society would go into Coma.
So never pressure yourself to please the society, because the society is actually not worth it… But YES, before you call it quits, give that honest try, that second chance, because it’s too easy to break. Having given your best shot and if it is still getting worse, then do that self-thinking… You are your own counselor. It is never too late, as long as you have that heartbeat ticking, nothing is late…! Do not carry the guilt, it is neither your fault nor your partner’s fault, you are just meant for someone else… that is all..!
Life is too short to be unhappily married… nothing is a substitute to self-happiness; you can make others happy only if you are happy within. It is ok to be not married anymore, do not shy away… be proud you took a decision to keep yourself happy which million out there are hesitant to take… It is ok to marry again… to fall in love again… It is ok…!! It is not enough that you unknot the thread but equally important to unknot your feelings too…
P.S – If my views on the blog have hurt your feelings or beliefs, it is not intended to, im opinionated as much as you are!